so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
