i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
