The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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