I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
