Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
