also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
