I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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