I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
