so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
