I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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