once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize