One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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