hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
