and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
