well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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