Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
