If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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