Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
