There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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