my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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