i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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