He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
