my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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