I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
