I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
God I need to hump something, right now.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
