apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
