Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
