a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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