You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
