I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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