exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize