I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
