My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
