Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
