i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
