His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
