Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We had to coat check the pizza.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
