This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize