I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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