I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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