she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
