Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
