Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
