I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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