the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
