Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
