she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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