when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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