god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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