did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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