Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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