Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
