Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
