you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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