Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
